After I graduated from the basic and advanced courses at the calibration school, I had been assigned to the Electronic Proving Ground at Fort Huachuca, Arizona in 1982. I was assigned to the physical standards and frequency calibration laboratory at the Electronic Proving Ground (EPG). My primary role was to calibrate and test the frequency and time standards and test equipment. As a result, I had to synchronize my testbed with the National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado or in Hawaii. I personally preferred the atomic clock in Hawaii because the broadcaster was a chick. And let me tell you something. That chick sounded sexy. I have no way of knowing what she looked like. But every time I heard her voice, I started to drool like a little puppy dog. I dialed up the WWVH, that was the call sign for the NIST radio station in Hawaii, once a week. Every once in a while, I dialed up the WWV/WWVB at Fort Collins in Boulder, Colorado. But I really liked listening to the voice of the chick in Hawaii. That whole sexy voice on a telephone or on a radio station where you can’t actually see the person and get a feel for what they look like can actually get you into a whole lot of trouble. Let me give you an example. Bear in mind that this is a hypothetical situation. It is totally hypothetical. It is pure fantasy and conjecture. Nothing real here. I am just throwing this out there as an example. Suppose for an instant that you need to get passports and visas for an overseas assignment. Suppose that these passports and visas are in addition to your normal orders and other assorted paperwork. Further suppose that you need them within the next 48 to 72 hours. The normal processing time for something like this is 2 to 3 weeks. Do you see where I’m going with this? Yeah. We’re talking, it ain’t happening anytime soon. Further suppose that the lady who is handling the processing of these passports and visas is Ms. sexy voice. Now, you’ve never met Ms. sexy voice. You have no idea what she looks like. You’ve never talked to her before in your life. You don’t even know where her office is. All you know is that she’s processing this paperwork and she has a sexy voice. You also know that you need that paperwork double damn quick. So, you put on your finest schmooze. Cuz you’re going to have to put on the charm and you’re going to have to lay it on thick. So, you lay it on like you’re that used car salesman that could sell the worst piece of junk on the car lot to the next guy that walks through the door. Yup. That’s you all right. Joe the snake charmer. You’re talking to this lady on the phone and you’re basically promising her the moon or whatever it takes. Like I said, you’re schmoozing her. Pretty soon, you have her wrapped around your little finger. Then, you do the unthinkable. You promise to take her to dinner if she gets the passports and visas processed and delivered to you on time. And two days later, she delivers the goods and you’re on the hook for dinner. But surprise, surprise! The body of the lady does not match the voice. Oh hell no. Not at all. No way, José. Now you’re wondering if that dinner you promised could be the Mickey D’s drive-through where you don’t have to get out of the car. Not so fast big boy. You don’t have that kind of luck. Oh hell no. This lady hasn’t had a date since she was in the seventh grade. And she’s 34. Yeah. She expects to wine and dine in a sit-down eatery (a.k.a. a fancy restaurant). So, you see how that could get you into trouble? Yeah. You’re like totally SCREWED, capital S, a little slime on the D. Fortunately, that was just a hypothetical situation. Not a real nightmare. God forbid that some shit like that would happen in real life. I figured it was okay to have my weekly fantasies about Ms. sexy voice without actually seeing her. Cuz in your fantasies and your dreams you can concoct all sorts of wonderful images to go along with that voice. It ain’t real. Just don’t make it real. But I digress. I didn’t only listen to a sexy chick in Hawaii every week. I also calibrated frequency standards for the signal brigade and the intelligence units at Fort Huachuca. A couple of months after I arrived at EPG, members of the television show 60 Minutes came out to interview us. If you know anything about the show 60 Minutes, you know that they come out to dig into your shit. Mike Wallace and Morley Safer came out to interview us. The civilian director of the calibration lab and my supervisor did not want any of us talking to the members of 60 Minutes. I guess they were afraid we would say something stupid. Well, I guess if the truth is something stupid, then we would say a helluva lot of stupid shit. I think what the focus of their investigation had something to do with funding. The story went something like this. 60 Minutes argued that the Army could contract out the cost of calibration services and save hundreds of thousands of dollars per year. They argued that training costs for military personnel to go to the basic and advanced calibration schools, plus the military salaries paid during training, plus salaries paid to soldiers after training could all be saved if the calibration were contracted out to civilian companies. I don’t know if that all came up to hundreds of thousands of dollars per year. I didn’t do the math. But you know how 60 Minutes is. They like to dig into people’s shit. They like to make people feel uncomfortable. And at the beginning of the Reagan administration, there was an argument that too much was being spent on the military for military training and readiness. Like I said, they like to dig into people’s shit. Whatever sells newspapers or in this case TV show ad time. We were lucky enough to have the big red bull’s-eye on our back for one week. It was our turn to have 60 Minutes take pot shots at us. Yay. My view was that it was just another hour of futility.
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