Calibration Rewind – An Ode to Military Humor

When I was stationed in Korea at the 5th Preventive Medicine Unit, I earned such a good reputation working in the motor pool that the first sergeant convinced the commander to keep me for two years.  When I was nearing the end of my tour in Korea, the first sergeant wanted me to extend my tour by another two years.  He said he would get me command sponsorship.  There was a hook.  The hook was that I had to reenlist.  However, I wasn’t willing to reenlist just to extend my tour in Korea.  Here’s why.  I had recently married, and our baby daughter had just been born.  My family hadn’t met my new wife and daughter.  Yeah.  I know what you’re thinking.  I could have taken leave.  But I also had another plan.  Here was my plan.  I wanted to go to school to become a 35H calibration technician.  The reason I wanted that particular school was that I could go to an Air Force base to go to school and be simultaneously enrolled in the Community College of the Air Force.  I had an ulterior motive to be enrolled in the Community College of the Air Force.  That course could get me two years of college credit through the Air Force.  If you’re doing the math and you know anything about Officer Candidate School (OCS), you also know that it takes two years of college credit to apply for OCS.  As I said, I had a plan.  My first sergeant had a different plan.  His plan was to keep me in Korea for two years and then send me to the Army Biomedical Electronic Equipment Technician school.  In his eyes the two schools were nearly identical.  In terms of course offering, they weren’t far off.  However, there was one major difference between the two.  The calibration school offered college credit.  The biomedical electronics technician school did not.  I did not want that school because it would not fulfill the requirements of my plan.  As I said, I had a plan.  I told my first sergeant I had one simple requirement.  Get me into a calibration school or no deal.  He offered me all sorts of things but no calibration school.  I told him if he didn’t get me calibration school there was no deal.  I held another card.  I was coming due for reenlistment.  My first sergeant was on the hook to fill the position in his motor pool, but he was also on the hook to fill the reenlistment quota for my reenlistment.  I told him no deal.  Get me what I want or no deal.  He thought I was bluffing.  He threatened me with all sorts of things.  The first threat was a threat to send me to Fort Polk, Louisiana.  He even went so far as to have the personnel branch cut orders transferring me to Fort Polk.  I simply went over his head and went to the personnel branch and told them to cut my ETS (Expiration of Term of Service) orders immediately.  I told them I would rather ETS out of Korea than go to Fort Polk.  Round one went to Masters.  His second threat was to get me reassigned to the infantry.  I told him, “Nice bluff first sergeant.  That’s already been tried.  I came here from Fort Benning.  Did you forget?  That stupid trick won’t work.”  Then, he said, “What do you think you’re going to do, Masters?  I’m trying to help you.”  “Sure, you are, first sergeant.  You’re a big help.  You’re trying to take care of yourself.  You’re also trying to screw me in the process.  I told you I only had one simple requirement.”  “You don’t know who you’re messing with.”  “Oh yeah?  Please explain to me whom I’m messing with.”  “I’m a former special forces Green Beret.  I worked in the assignments branch at the Department of the Army.  I have connections.  I can screw you and your career.”  “That’s really impressive, first sergeant.  However, in a few weeks, I will be a proud damn civilian.  Basically, you can’t screw shit!  Your connections will have absolutely no control over me.  You don’t have any power.  You don’t have any trump cards.  You should fold while you still can.”  “Why won’t you be reasonable?”  “I am reasonable, first sergeant.  But I have a requirement that must be met.  Cuz I have a plan.  Meet the requirement or no deal.  It’s as simple as that.”  “What is this grand plan?”  “First of all, my grand plan is need to know.  And you don’t need to know.  What you do need to know is that I will not compromise on that plan.  First sergeant, you’ve known me for two years.  In that two years would you say that I’ve been ambitious or easy-going?”  “You’re definitely anything but easy-going.  You’re a go-getter.  When you set your mind to something, you don’t just go after it.  You attack it.  That’s the very definition of ambition.”  “So, get me what I want.”  In the end, my first sergeant didn’t get me what I wanted.  I struck a deal with the Eighth Army reenlistment NCO.  The Eighth Army reenlistment NCO asked me during my initial out processing what it would take to get me to reenlist.  I told him, “Sergeant, I want to go to calibration school.  If I can’t go to calibration school, we do not have a deal.  It’s that simple as that.”  The reenlistment NCO looked at me and replied, “That’s all you want?”  “Sergeant, that’s all I’ve ever wanted.  But you people have tried to send me to Fort Polk.  You’ve tried putting me into the infantry.  You have basically listened to every request my first sergeant made but you haven’t heard a damn word I said.  Somebody should listen to what I have to say.”  “No Masters. I think you have it all wrong.  Nobody tried to do any of those things to you.”  “You know, I figured somewhere along the line someone would say some bullshit like that.  So, I kept a piece of every paper that they gave me where they tried to pull that bullshit.”  Then, I opened my briefcase and started pulling out orders.  When I was done educating the reenlistment NCO, I think I finally had his attention.  I asked, “Now, do you still think that I have it all wrong?”  “And you’re saying that your first sergeant was behind all this?”  “Well, he said he used to work at the assignments branch in the Department of the Army.  But he had to have help cutting the orders.  That means he had help at Eighth Army personnel branch.  I don’t know who he was able to manipulate, but I do know that he had help.”  “Do you trust me, sergeant Masters?”  “It’s like this, sergeant.  In God we trust, all others cash.  You seem honest enough.  But my first sergeant just tried to screw me, so I don’t trust anybody.  And I ain’t signing nothing until I see a piece of paper that says I’m going to calibration school.  When you show me the orders and it’s a done deal, then I will sign the reenlistment.  Not one minute before.  Do we understand each other?”  “Man, you really don’t trust anybody.  What is with you and calibration school?”  “Doesn’t anybody listen?  I said I have a plan.  In order to meet the requirements of that plan I must attend calibration school.  Period, end of discussion.  Are we clear?”  “Crystal.”  “Outstanding in the rain.”  Two days later, the Eighth Army reenlistment NCO called my company and left a message for me to come to his office.  I went to his office to see what he wanted.  When I got there, he said, “Sergeant Masters, I got you what you ask for.  Here are your orders to attend calibration school at Lowry Air Force Base, Colorado, starting January 1981.  That’s the earliest I could get.  What that means is you will have to transfer to Fort Ord, California, in July 1980 and spend a few months in the 7th Infantry Division until the school opens up.  Will that be a problem?”  I replied, “Wow!  This is unbelievable.  You got me the school.  How did you get the school?”  “It was simple really.  I checked with Department of the Army, and they bumped a member of the National Guard to get you into that seat.  Regular Army always takes precedence for attendance at schools over the National Guard.  But you haven’t answered my question.  Will the short-term assignment at Fort Ord be a problem?”  “Oh.  Sorry.  Absolutely not.  I’ll go to Fort Ord.”  And that was how I successfully managed my military career, to prevent another enlistment in futility.

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