I had learned that volunteering at Fort Benning was not a wise move to make. I had learned that showing up early or too late for muster formation could make you a volunteer by default (volun-told). But showing up too late could also cause you to lose a great gig. Sometimes it seemed that there was no winning solution. So, was there a magic sauce? I decided to examine the facts. First, I showed up early to the formation and got volun-told to be the CCF (Central Confinement Facility) driver. Second, I happened to be standing around waiting for formation and got volun-told to be the duty driver. One time I should’ve showed up early, but I didn’t, and somebody else got selected to go to Eglin Air Force Base to work at the recreation center. But it was catch as catch can. You were damned if you did and damned if you didn’t. So, I just decided to show up late all the time. Now, I know what you’re thinking you’re thinking that I was a perennial problem child who showed up late all the time to formation. Wrong. I showed up just in time so that I wouldn’t be late by the clock. Thus, the platoon sergeant would never find me absent from formation. But he could never tag me for extra duty either. Sneaky, huh? Yeah, I thought so too. Damn! It almost worked. But one day, SFC Jones called me out of formation and said, “PFC Masters, it was nice of you to make it to formation today. Son, I am damn glad to see you.” I replied, “Sarge, somehow I find that very hard to believe. You see, it seems like you’re pissing down my neck and telling me that it’s raining. Yeah. That’s exactly what it seems like.” “Now Masters you know that I think of you as my son. I would never try to pull the wool over your eyes. In fact, I think you don’t appreciate everything that I do for you.” “Exactly what have you done for me lately? My memory is getting kind of bad in my old age and I can’t really remember what you’ve done for me lately. So please, Sarge, refresh my memory.” “Old?!? You’re not a day over twenty. Hell, you’re still wet behind the ears, Masters. Plus, I was just about to give you a glorious and rewarding assignment.” “Glorious and rewarding don’t go together at all in a sentence, Sarge. That leads me to believe that you’re really trying to give me a snow job. In fact, I feel a helluva blizzard coming on. Yeah. It’s going to be the storm of the century.” “Son, I wouldn’t try to snow you.” “I ain’t your goddamn son, sarge.” “I’m giving you a straight shot here at a great deal. This assignment is going to be a really great assignment. Well, it’s not going to be a great assignment. In fact, it might not even be a good assignment, but it’s the only assignment you’re going to get right now.” “So, it sounds like you’re stuffing this down my throat whether I like it or not. Does that about sum it up? Or am I way out in left field?” “No. I think you’ve summarized it nicely, Masters. That’ll be all.” “Sarge, aren’t you forgetting something?” “What now, Masters?” “You never told me what the assignment was. That’s okay I really don’t need to do it. But I’m just saying you never told me.” “Dammit Masters. I don’t know why I bother with you?” “Probably because I’m the best damn soldier you got.” “Yeah. And you never let me forget it either, do you? So, the assignment is that you’re going to bus driver school for two weeks.” “Bus driver school? Come on Sarge? I don’t want to drive around no dang children.” “You probably won’t have to drive around anybody. I just need to send somebody to this bus driver school for two weeks, and you’re probably the only guy I got that can learn how to drive a bus.” “Are you sure? That doesn’t even sound right. Usually, when the Army asks you to get a driver’s license for something it’s because they need you to drive that something. See, there it is again. My bullshit meter is pegging. Sarge, the shit is getting so deep that you’re going to have to issue me a mask and snorkel. You better throw in a pair of flippers too. Cuz at the rate this shit is stacking up, I’m going to have to swim out.” “Leave it to you, Masters. You can over-exaggerate the melodramatic. The last time I saw a ham as big as you, it was in the butcher shop. Now, cut the goddamn crap. Okay? So, I may have neglected to mention that there is an outside possibility that you could be driving for funeral duty.” “Funeral duty?!? What kind of bullshit is that? That’s even worse than hauling children around. At least the children are alive and screaming and hollering. And with children it’s easy. You can lift them up off of their feet and threaten them within an inch of their life. But dead people. Dead people are, well, dead. You can’t do shit with them. Except, ride around with the dead guy behind you, wondering if he’s going to get up or not. And if he gets up, then what? You shit your pants. Lay an egg. Throw a conniption fit. And then, have a heart attack. That’s if he doesn’t ask you first how in the hell he got there. Because, how are you going to answer that question, huh?” “Look Masters, I had to give them a name. You’re the only person I have that could possibly learn how to drive a bus. So, I gave them your name. If you don’t like it, sue the Army.” Needless to say, at 8:00 AM the following Monday, I reported for bus school. The first 40 hours of bus school was classroom instruction. Classroom instruction was pretty much the standard road signs and traffic laws. Pretty routine stuff. Boring. Really boring. The sergeant in charge of the bus driver school said there was going to be a 100-question test at the end of the first week. He also said we should pay extremely close attention in class. Really? I got a lot of extra sleep during that first 40 hours of classroom instruction. The thing was I spent most of my off-duty time at Nichols Alley, so I needed the nap time in class to catch up on my sleep. Friday came, and the bus driver class instructor said, “Time for your test. Let’s see how you ladies do on this test. I got the test and it was mostly multiple-choice with a few true false questions. We had one hour and 25 minutes to finish the test. I finished the test in just under an hour. I think I was the first one done. The sergeant said, “Masters, right? Stick around.” “Yes Sergeant.” I said. “I’ll go ahead and grade your test right now.” Ten minutes later the sergeant called my name and gave me my test results. I had aced the exam. The instructor said, “Masters, you seem to know your stuff. I’ll be watching to see how you do next week on the driving portion of the course. The following Monday, the instructor spent the entire morning showing us different driving and maneuvering techniques with a 40-passenger bus. He explained that he was using a 40-passenger bus because, if we could drive the large bus, we could also drive the smaller buses. He explained that turning right corners with the large bus was similar to turning right corners with a tractor-trailer rig. And then he asked, “How many of you have had any experience driving a bus, a tractor-trailer rig, or something similar?” I raised my hand and responded, “Well Sarge, I’ve got a little experience driving a tractor-trailer rig. I’ve driven a bus before but never this big. And I’ve driven a tractor with a 40-foot digger hitched behind.” “What in the hell is a tractor and a 40-foot digger?” “Not a farmer, huh, Sarge? Yeah. Nope. Cuz if you were, you’d know what a 40-foot digger was. Anyway, I reckon I can drive this here bus.” “Alright. Get up here Masters. Let’s see what you got.” “I jumped in the driver seat, checked all my mirrors, looked back at my fellow students, looked at the instructor, and said, “Alright folks strap in and hang on tight. You’re in for a treat. If you give me a minute or two, I’m going to see if I can get this baby to melt into my hand.” The sergeant said, “Good grief. Enough with the bullshit, already. Okay Masters, I want you to take a left turn out of the parking lot. I put the bus into first gear and made an easy left turn out of the parking lot. I proceeded down the road following the posted speed limit and shifted into second gear. When we neared an intersection, the instructor said, “Okay Masters, execute a right turn here.” When I approached the intersection, I checked for traffic in both directions, and then I executed the right turn. The instructor turned to me with a surprised look on his face and said, “Where in the hell did you learn how to drive like that?” “Shit, sarge, I can drive anything with wheels. I told you I drove a tractor hitched to a 40-foot digger. Next to that, driving this bus ain’t nothing but a thing. I also mentioned that I spent a little time driving a tractor-trailer rig. Did you think I was bullshitting you about that too? What next, Sarge? We are coming up to another intersection.” “Go ahead and make a right turn there as well. And Masters, crank up the speed a little bit. Let’s see what you can really do.” So, I executed another right turn at the next intersection, and then I opened it up and shifted into third. Then I asked the sergeant, “Exactly how fast you want me to go?” “Well, seeing as how there is nobody else out here, take it up to 55 and hold it. I will tell you when to slow down.” I took it up to 55 miles an hour and held it there for about 15 minutes. When we got close to the Fort Benning perimeter, the instructor said, “Alright Masters, bring the bus to a stop.” I brought the bus to a stop and waited for instructions. Then the instructor said, “When it is safe to do so, turn this bus around. Once you have done so, proceed back in the other direction at the same rate of speed.” Again, I checked for traffic, and then I negotiated a three-point turn with the bus. Once again, the sergeant was amazed. He exclaimed, “I have never seen driving like this before!” “I know,” I said. “That’s cuz I’m good. No. I’m damn good.” After we had driven for 15 minutes, the instructor said, “Execute a left turn.” So, I made the left turn and drove a few hundred yards, and we were nearing the parking lot. I asked, “Do you want me to turn into the parking lot?” The instructor looked at me and shook his head, and then he said, “There’s no way in hell you can make that right turn because I’ve been driving buses for a long time and I can’t even make that turn.” “Well Sarge, then you just need to sit on back and hang on tight because I got this.” I gunned the engine on the bus and dropped it into second. I swung the bus to the left to set it up for the right turn. Then, I swung the steering wheel hard to the right, and I gunned the engine of the bus again and dropped it into first. And I eased that bus around that right turn and into the parking lot. After I brought the bus to a complete stop, I stood up and said, “Thank you ladies and gentlemen, for flying air Masters. Be careful opening the overhead bins to retrieve your luggage, some items may have shifted during the flight. As always, it’s been a pleasure having you aboard air Masters. Come fly away with me again for the ride of your life.” “Damn, Masters, if you can drive like that now, there is no point giving you the over-the-road driving test. Hell, you drive better than I do. I’m going to go ahead and pass you right now. Tomorrow we’re going to have a second bus out here. Masters, here, is going to be my assistant instructor. He’ll have some of you on one bus, and I’ll have the rest of you on the other bus. And that is how I downshifted my way straight into another exercise in futility.
by 
by 