I previously posted about going to Novato, California to get my sister-in-law’s piece of shit Fiat Spider 2000 and what a nightmare from hell that trip turned out to be. I also posted about having that car given to me upon my return home and getting it road worthy again. Once I got that car looking and running well, I wasn’t the only one who liked it. The local law enforcement establishment seemed drawn to that Fiat like a magnet. It was incredible to behold. The car would go from zero to sixty before I could blink my eyes. And it did have some zip, so I always had to look around every corner before I took off. I never could tell when a cop might be waiting for someone like me to come along. I tried my best to figure out where all the donut shops were and planned all my routes to explicitly avoid those streets. That certainly helped, but there was nothing I could do to control dumb luck. The Fiat still needed a few improvements. For example, the sound system in the car was a disaster area. An AM radio? Seriously? An AM radio?!? Not an AM/FM radio. Oh no, couldn’t do that. That would be too much like splurging. Have to keep everything on the down low. You know. Very low key. Cheap was the name of the game. That AM radio had to go. I shopped around for an AM/FM stereo cassette deck with dual subwoofer panel speakers that I mounted in the kick panels in front of both doors. I put stereo tweeters and mid-range speakers in the doors to complete the system. The system kicked out some serious jams. The whole car vibrated when all six channels were engaged and amplified. The first time I took it out for a spin after mounting and testing the stereo system a patrol car was lying in wait to pounce on the first sucker to come off of the Pacific Ave ramp onto Highway 512 west-bound toward Interstate 5 in Tacoma. Apparently, I was the lucky lotto winner. The only problem was that I didn’t have a lottery ticket, and I had spotted the patrol car before I entered the ramp to jump onto Highway 512. I checked my rearview mirror to see if my buddies were still tracking behind me. I saw four, no, five vehicles back there. It looked like they had all made the trip. It looked like we had us a convoy. Knowing the cop was right there, I jumped on the accelerator from zero to fifty. Then, I eased off of the gas pedal and held steady just below the posted speed. Cars were blowing by me, but the patrol car seemed fixated on me. After two minutes, his lights came on and I pulled over to the shoulder well before the Steele Street exit. He slowly walked up to my car and said, “Driver’s license and registration please.” I watched as all of my buddies rolled on by and signaled for the Steele Street exit. This was going to be a good show. Then, I complied and replied, “So what seems to be the problem officer?” “Do you know how fast you were going back there?” “I know exactly how fast I was going. Do you?” “Are you trying to get smart with me, young man?” “I’m already smart, sir. I don’t have to try.” “Don’t try to get cute with me.” “Definitely no need to worry about that, officer. You’re not my type. Plus, I’m already married.” “You got a real smartass mouth.” “And you got donut crumbs and frosting on your mouth. Didn’t your mommy teach you how to use a napkin?” “You’re coming with me. Get out of the damn car.” “I’m not going anywhere with you, officer. See those cars over there.” I pointed. My buddies had eased onto the near shoulder next to the median on the other side of Highway 512, and all eyes were on the patrolman. As I was pointing, I said, “They watched you pull me over for absolutely no reason. That’s harassment. Wouldn’t you say that’s harassment? I think it is. Maybe you should go over there and talk to those motorists. Or, you could go back to your favorite donut shop and find another hot rod to screw with later. Face it, the real reason you pulled me over is because you thought I was going to jump on it coming off of Pacific and just keep on going. Didn’t you? Admit it. Huh?” “Yeah, I guess I did.” “I know you did because I saw you before I ever left Pacific. You were just sitting there waiting for somebody to come flying by. I’m not an idiot. I’m not going to speed when you’re sitting right there just waiting to pounce. Go ahead and write that ticket. I’ll be happy to see you in court. My buddies will be pretty tickled too. What do you say?” “Just shut the hell up already and get out of here.” “Have a nice day officer and eat a couple donuts for me. But I’d get the low-calorie ones if I were you. They would be better for your girlish figure.” “Why you sorry son of a bitch.” “Bye.” And I left while the leaving was good because it was pretty obvious, he was getting a little upset about this traffic stop in futility.
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